The Bike

The Bike

Since I’m home on my “all inclusive unpaid vacation,” I decided that I wanted to relieve a bit of depression by taking my bicycle out and enjoying the Fall scenery. Fall is so beautiful here and it’s my favorite season. We have lots of breath-taking, beautiful bike paths here, and I knew that riding and taking in the scenery would revive my spirit.

The only problem with that idea was that my son tortured my mountain bike to death last year, so I had nothing to ride. I decided to buy a new hybrid bike this time, but I didn’t want to spend the kind of money I would have to fork over at a bike shop. After all, I just wanted to observe scenery on the trails with a comfortable, safe bike; not participate in the Tour de France.

Since I buy so many other things online, I decided to buy my bike online. Wal-Mart had the best deal. Pick out your bike. It would be delivered at no charge to your chosen Wal-Mart B&M store, and then they would assemble it free of charge. WooHoo!

I picked out a nice Schwinn, picked it up and brought it home. My first sign that this was not one of my best ideas was that the color of the bike was key-lime green, rather than the soft yellow it appeared to be in the picture from the advertisement. Ok, I thought. Maybe this will grow on me. I will certainly never get run over by a vehicle, because they will be able to see me, even in the dark.

My second bad sign was that the bike was difficult to mount once I got it home because it was so damn big. It was like being used to a regular automobile, then suddenly having to climb up and drive a Hummer. I felt like it was trying to swallow me whole when I dismounted to stand straddling the bike, with handlebars enveloping my chest and the seat poking me in my spine.

This is a women’s bike (for Amazon-sized women, I guess). If this were a men’s bike with the bar straight across the top, upon dismount I would just hang straddled on the bar, feet still not touching the ground, then fall over.

Be that as it may, I try to accept most reasonable challenges, so “why not at least try it,” I thought. I went out very early in the morning, so that if anything stupid happened, my neighbors wouldn’t see me.

So here I am, all decked out in my new helmet and fingerless bike gloves, greeting the morning with an anticipatory smile, ready to begin my new adventure. I mounted the bike. Then something stupid happened. After two revolutions of the pedals, the chain somehow found an empty space between the frame and the chain wheel and decided to rest there and no, I did not assemble the bike myself. I let a “Wal-Mart professional” do that.

Because I was spinning the chain with no gears engaged and I could not reach the ground with my feet, I (of course), fell. One neighbor happened to be walking his dog and ran over to see if I was alright. (Darn, why is anyone up at this time in the morning.) I assured him I was alright and thanked him for his concern. I think I heard his dog laughing at me, though. I had fallen just at the end of my own driveway.

I fixed the chain and took off again, riding down the block. I turned the bike around headed for my driveway again, trying to apply the brakes just a little to turn in. The bike stopped dead as soon as I touched the brakes, again tumbling me to the ground. I broke my finger that time, falling in the exact same spot as before and hitting the exact same hand on the ground. Now my finger is broken.

I’d like to say that now, I have a bit of an idea about what a horse trainer has to deal with when trying to tame a horse that hates his guts. Except my horse throws me to the ground, lays down on top of me and grins – taunting me with spinning wheels that are going nowhere – at least, not with me on them. This bike is evil. I should have noticed that before but no, I was blinded by the newness of it and the glare of its ridiculous key-lime finish. It is evil and it hates me.

I Have to get this back to Wal-Mart before it can do me any further harm.