Dead Masterpiece | michellesmuse

The Dead Masterpiece

Have you ever been visited by the “Frozen Screen of Death” on your computer? I don’t mean the “Blue Screen of Death,” which makes itself obvious with its mocking, blank-faced blueness and lack of response to all key combinations and even the most imaginative epithets.

No, the “Frozen Screen of Death” just abandons you in the middle of whatever important task you are trying to complete. First, it just sits there unresponsive, allowing you a clear, unimpeded view of the masterpiece you have been working on for the past 2 hours (and have not yet saved). Then it displays a revolving circle – in a lovely shade of blue -- where your cursor is supposed to be. As with its cousin, “Blue Death,” nothing works in “Frozen Death,” not even Task Manager. But because you can still see your normal screen, you remain hopeful.

You sit there a few moments, fearing the worst but trying to hold out with a tiny bit of optimism, hoping that your computer just decided to take a short break to compose its thoughts and then all will be well.

But all is far from well. As you poke at your keyboard, trying to nudge your machine back to life, you see the word “UNRESPONSIVE” across the top of the screen, as if you didn’t notice the obvious already. You wait some more, thinking maybe it will tell you something you don’t know, like what the hell is wrong with it.

Then a translucent film – sort of like a thin layer of frost – appears across the entire screen. Your brilliant prose is still visible under there. Hope still resides in your heart. You press CTRL-ALT-DEL one more time.

The screen abruptly turns black, with only the pretty, blue, revolving circle left to indicate that there is still some life left in there somewhere.

Your brain (well, maybe just mine) shouts, “Noooo… NoNoNoNO! What’s wrong? What do you want? Whatever it is, I’ll do it! I’ll turn you off more often to let you rest. I’ll replace any components you don’t like. I’ll buy you a new keyboard, monitor, sound card, video card, sound system, hard drive. Do you need some updates? I’ll find and install them. Are you unhappy with your virus protection or firewall software? Maybe your backup software?

You name it. I’ll get it for you. I’ll even poke my finger and give you my own precious blood (I’m diabetic, so I’ve got the right equipment to do this right away, if you want.) Yes, I will gladly bleed for you. Do you need a hug? You got it. Just Pleeaase, don’t do this Not Now.”

Then the computer belches up a little alert box to provide you with more obviosity. (Is that not a word? It should be.) The alert tells you that Task Manager is not responding. If Windows continues to be unresponsive, you should press the power button.

Now you realize you have truly lost. You have been beaten – defeated by a box of fancy circuitry, “Intel Inside,” and infinite algorithms -- a box without heart or soul or the slightest sliver of empathy. And there is nothing you can do, other than turn the box off and lose your work, along with the web sites you pulled up for reference.

You guess you can ramble through History to retrieve the web sites, but your work is gone.

And that, dear readers, is what I have experienced tonight. It's why I have no article to present this week.

I’d like to hear from you. Can you share some of your own cruel computer catastrophes?