Assembly Required

Don’t you just love it when you buy a product that shouts, “Easy Assembly” on the box, only to leave you terribly disappointed when you get it home? You open the box, which required an industrial-strength box cutter (first sign of a problem), to discover what looks like random parts that you do not believe could ever be made to look like the picture on the box. You find the assembly “instructions,” which only consist of pictures without words, drawn without the slightest attempt to represent the angle and perspective you will see when you try to assemble your product.

Worse yet, you open the box to discover that your “instructions” have either been transposed from some foreign language, or written by someone who apparently speaks broken English as a second language. There are really cheesy “tools” included in the box in case you do not own any tools yourself. I know that the “tools” are meant to be helpful, but they are usually difficult work with and they break easily, adding additional frustration to your attempts at assembly.

Many of these products have a warning statement on a piece of paper right on top of the instructions that says something like, “If you have problems with assembly, please do not return this item to retailer. Call blahblahblah for assistance." This is an obvious red flag before you have even begun, and you are usually doing this on the weekend, when no one is available to answer the phone and assist you. Bicycles, computer workstations, and exercise equipment are notorious examples of this.

If you want to get technical, try buying one of those expensive home theater/audio-video component systems with the foot-long remote that controls every gadget in your living room, and can magically take over speaker systems all over your entire house when you press the wrong combination of buttons by mistake. Aaagh! Just reading the instructions gives you a headache and leaves you wondering if you should return to school and retake Reading Comprehension classes. After spending the entire weekend in hair-pulling frustration, you give up and call the retailer to have someone come out and install your system properly for a fee. You discover that the fee is a minimum of $300.00. You scream and hang up the phone.

Well, I have discovered something new to add to my list of horrible assembly experiences. I bought an EZ Up. It’s supposed to be a pop-up gazebo; simple and easy, as the name implies. Just spread the four legs, pop up the middle and voila! Instant gazebo. Instant shade.

I must be particularly gullible. I keep trying to believe what I read in advertisements and on boxes and I keep getting terribly disappointed.

Another red flag that negates the claim of “easy assembly” is opening the box to discover that the first words you see are “requires two people.” (?!) The first time I used the EZ Up, I had two guys put it up for me. It was very stiff and difficult to even open, but they managed. We sprayed all of the moving parts with silicone, so that it would be easy to put up next time. This time I tried putting it up myself. There are video directions on YouTube that make this look like a snap. Everything popped smoothly and easily into place with only one person doing the setup in the video.

My experience was wildly different. All of the joints were still very stiff and difficult to open. What did that guy in the video use? Astro Glide? After about an hour, I got the gazebo opened up to full length (sort of), but I never got the top to reach full height. I fought with it under the sun on my deck. I fought with it from underneath. Picture Snoopy fighting with the carnivorous, folding Director’s chair melded with Charlie Brown fighting with his recalcitrant kite. Nothing worked.

Finally, frustrated once again and dripping sweat, I gave up. Then I could not get the EZ Up to conform to its original compact shape. More fighting ensued. I finally got it streamlined enough to drag it through the patio door. Then I noticed that I had torn and ruined the patio door screen.

The EZ Up now looks like some giant, monster spider with about 16 legs that was killed quickly by some horrible toxin. All of the legs are sticking up in the air. I wonder if I broke it. I can’t use my dining room until I figure out how to tame it and get it out of there.